Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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