Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Someone came in the potted fern
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex