So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success