just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
