We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
