im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
