He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
