the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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