Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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