that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
