remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
