When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
