I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
