he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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