I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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