I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
