are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"