Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
