i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
