My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
