So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Terrible idea I love it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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