that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
