i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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