You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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