Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
