when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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