you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
