I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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