What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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