we should wear snuggies to the strip club
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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