I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
