My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
