2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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