I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize