Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
