You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
