turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
