Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
