May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
