tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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