3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
