She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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