Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
