shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
