Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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