Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
