I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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