Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
