So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
