just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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