wrigley field is MILF paradise
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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