I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
