She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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