why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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