She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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