Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
