Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
