I want to make a zoo with you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
there is puke in my bra ... again
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