watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
