my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
