she woke up with a sticky ear
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
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She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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