I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
