i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
